Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there
Dear reader
Almost in every post I have written so far, I mentioned a certain period of my life. And I promised to dedicate future posts solely to this topic. Please understand that this is very important to me, and cannot be treated with only 1 single post. So I will start with a little introduction, before getting deeper into it. Here it goes.
Looking back, I see a worryless and happy childhood. Nothing "suspicious" occured back then. Neither did something happen during my teenager years, nor during any time of my life, that I could point at and blame it for causing me to feel bad. I also do not blame a single person I know. When adolescence came up, I went through the typical rebellious-the world is against me-mindset. This is probably when I got my black puppy.
But let us pause a second right there. What is this thing? What is up with this black dog?
The term is sometimes used as an alternative to depression. Even now, I shudder when I hear/read this word. Unpleasant, nasty thoughts pop up in my mind. It is a word that is used quite often, though many times not correctly. This has lead to what to me is the stigma. "This bad weather makes me depressed". How often, do we hear sentences like this? How often, does depressed just stand for " a bad mood", "feeling a bit down", "being annoyed"?
I used to have the same opinion like many people do. So you are telling me, your job is depressing? Go watch a funny movie, forget about it and cheer up! You cannot get up in the morning? Just sleep more! You do not like yourself? Well, nobody is perfect! Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
At this point I strongly advise you to watch the video about the black dog made by the WHO. It is done so well and puts me into tears almost every time I watch it. See the video here
However, there is a undescribable difference between feeling down and having to go through a tough period in your life and actually being depressed. But how do you describe a feeling? It is like telling someone how a strawberry tastes, literally impossible. So I would say most people are not capable of fully understanding what feeling depressed means until they actually go through it. At least, this is true for me.
Coming back to my story. Trying to manage growing up and becoming an adult (at least legally on the paper by the age of 18) was difficult. As a girl you have to cope with the enormous pressure of being pretty, since most of the time role models are famous people on the media. I always, even until now, struggle with my looks every. single. day. When you practice yourself in constant self-degradation, you unfortunatley get really good at it. Then comes the part where you try to find your spot in society. What kind of person do you want to be? If many adults find it hard to answer this question, how is a self insecure teenager supposed to master it?
You see, growing up bears a lot of opportunities for your mind to lead you in the wrong direction, which is probably what happened in my case.
My mental state during my late teen years could be summed up as "subliminally depressed". I did not like myself very much, thought I am a lonely warrior, that could not count on anyone to be willing to help me. Or if a boy would want to date me, then I should better be thankful, because look at me. Since I was still kind of under the care of school and parents, everything went relatively smoothly. 12 weeks of vacation from school, the weekend, parties kept me alive and busy. I always knew, no matter how hard it would get, soon there will be a break where I can take a couple days off my daily life.
When I started my studies at the university in 2011 this no longer was true. I was now more responsible for my grades, future and life in general. No one would care if I attend lectures. There were only final exams which meant only 1 shot and you have to pass in order to continue. Hence I chose to quit the parties and "fun" in my life to focus on university. My downward spiral had begun. Little by little, I cut more and more fun activities from my schedule because they seemed like a waste of time. I was never the smartest student and always had to study quite a bit to get good grades, which put me under pressure because I could not estimate how much I have to study now. But I always passed all of my exams with a decent average grade. At the same time, day by day, life became harder. Weeks started to feel longer. And with no fun hobbies in my free time, all I did was stay at home or meeting my friends every once in a while. Good thing there were always semester breaks that lasted between 6 and 12 weeks. I used the time to go out on little trips that fueled me up with energy for the upcoming semster. Soon I realized that I was barely surviving 14 weeks of lectures and "life" was only taking place on weekends and during breaks. Basically I was not feeling well 28 weeks of the year.
Life like this continued for about 2-3 years. Then it got worse. Quickly.
My point in telling you all this, is to show that it is not necessairy to have a traumatizing life event in order to have mental health issues. All it took for me, was my introverted personality along with a few unfavorable experiences. Additionally we live in a society that does not tolerate weakness, or even worse equates it with lazyness, which made me hide my destructive thoughts behind a mask. As I mentioned, like a lonely warrior. When you can't see the sadness, it doesn't mean it's not there.
At this point I would like to finish this introductory post. Please come back to find out more about my story. Maybe my experiences show you that you are not alone if you are struggling right now or help you understand a friend in need. Feel free to contact me (disclaimer: I am not a professional and will only share experiences).
Best wishes
Chantal
All images taken by me